Tithe Green Book Club August: When Grief Equals Love

Lizzie Pickering’s eldest son, Harry, was kind, confident, and a hero to those who knew him – not least because of his brave battle with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy), but also because of his selfless nature and near-constant smile; he was someone who “loved life right from the very start”.

When Harry was six years old, he very sadly died from complications related to SMA. What followed was an ongoing investigation: “Over the years, I have found that through extensive investigation of my grief, through excavating it and constantly processing it, I have found a comfortable place for it and I can say I live a happy life,” says Lizzie. “I haven’t moved on, I haven’t found ‘closure’. I live with it and balance happiness and grief side by side.”

Lizzie’s book, When Grief Equals Love, is a collection of the experiences, emotions, psychological states, and ways of coping that this investigation uncovered; told first through Lizzie’s own journal entries, and later through interviews with people who have experienced a range of “loss”.

A real-time journal

The book begins with Harry’s story, which indeed means Lizzie’s story and that of her then-husband and two younger children, all of whom grieved Harry’s death in different ways. Using journal entries written at the time, Lizzie narrates the journey from diagnosis through care and anticipatory grief, to those first inexplicable days after Harry’s death and all the ways grief continued to change and evolve in the days, months and years that followed.

Honest and raw, the journal entries, written for Lizzie’s own processing rather than carefully crafted, provide an insight that cuts right to the heart what it is to experience loss. Grievers reading it might find painful moments of relatability, moments in which Lizzie, with her gift for words, is somehow able to translate the incomprehensible.

It is incredibly special – and brave – to be able to share reflections, recorded in the midst of unimaginable loss, with others who may be navigating the same thing right now.

What makes this book special?

So many books around grief are written in the immediate aftermath of loss; a way of purging the flurry of emotions, of beginning to make sense of what has happened. And this can make for a powerful, moving read – indeed, Lizzie’s journal entries offer this experience.

But what readers should know is that Lizzie waited 23 years to publish this book. With over 20 years of grief investigation behind her – which included producing films – Lizzie was able to frame her journal entries and personal and professional lessons in a way that transformed her experience into something that could genuinely help other people.

Spotlighting community voices

The latter half of the book is dedicated in large part to community – that ever-present word when it comes to grief. What is so powerful about sharing an idea, experience, understanding, or space (physical or otherwise) with other people?

“I feel less alone with people who have a shared experience,” writes Lizzie in her ‘Grief Toolkit’ in the book. “We don’t always need words: there is an innate understanding.”

Over the course of over twenty interviews with people facing various kinds of losses, from death to divorce to loss of place, Lizzie uncovers the myriad ways we respond to “loss” and the unfathomable ways grief unfolds, each story united in its humanity and enduring hope.

This is a book that both holds your hand and gently encourages you forward. There is no pretence of seeking closure or “moving on” – ideas Lizzie firmly rejects. Instead, Lizzie’s investigation of grief uncovers some vital truths in which I am confident all readers will see themselves reflected. And in the face of unfathomable loss, knowing that others have walked your path and truly understand, that it is possible to one day live a life that is both deeply sad and joyful, is perhaps our most powerful hope.

When Grief Equals Love is available to order in book shops, from Amazon and on Kindle. The audiobook, read by Lizzie, is available on Audible and wherever you listen.

To stay up to date with Lizzie and her work, follow her on Instagram @lizzie.pickering or check out her website at lizziepickering.com.